The Humility to Share Grace

The other day I happened to catch part of a radio interview with Eli Finkel, author of The All-or-Nothing Marriage, writing about modern marriage. When the interviewer asked what advice he’d offer for struggling couples, the author responded with a few of what he called ‘love hacks’ (ugh) – in particular, realizing that nothing is fixed, we can learn to manage our expectations, and grow and relate better in our marriage. Then they added, there’s an idea that psychologists call “fundamental attribution error, which is sometimes when we see someone behave in a way that we don't like, there's two ways to interpret it. You can either say this person's behaving badly because they're a bad person, or you can say this person's behaving badly because there's something in the context, there's something happening around him or her that's causing him or her to behave this way.” So in a marriage, when your spouse does something rude or thoughtless, you have a choice: instead of ‘he’s always like that,’ you could think, ‘I wonder what’s going on to make her say that.’ The first option tends to harden whatever the difficulty is. The second of the two is curious enough to leave room for the other person to explain, to change, for there to be mutual understanding.

So there’s your free marriage advice for the day. But maybe because I heard this on the freeway, where I tend to think things like ‘that person riding on my tail is a compete and total jerk’, I realized this truth extends beyond marriage. It’s true for any human relationship. I can assign someone to a negative category and never deal with them again, or I can stop to understand what’s making them act in a way I find obnoxious, and so continue the possibility of relationship. (In a time when who you vote for and whether you get a COVID vaccine are enough to divide families, this is an important reminder.) In the Christian religion, we might just call it humility. It directs us to see ourselves and others the way God sees us – as a whole person, full of complications and yet a beloved child of God.

That’s what’s at the core of the parable Jesus tells today in the gospel, the one about the Pharisee and the tax collector. Two extreme characters, one main point. It begins, Jesus told this parable ‘to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous and regarded others with contempt.’ Tell me that you don’t immediately have someone in mind when you hear that description.

It’s such a simple little parable. Two people go to pray. One, the Pharisee, is all self-righteous and high on himself. The other one, the tax collector, throws himself on God’s mercy. The tax collector, Jesus says, did it right. The end.

But like every parable, this one is tricksy. The Pharisee’s prayer makes him sound utterly obnoxious, I thank you that I am not like other people – but his righteous behavior goes far beyond any saintly person, with all the fasting and tithing. And then there’s the tax collector, whose prayer is pure repentance – but whose life is based on exploiting others and collaborating with the oppressor. Our sympathies lie with the tax collector, who seems more humble; we really don’t like the priggish Pharisee, no matter how good his life is. But which one is it we’re supposed to be like? Or more to the point, how are we supposed to choose between them? Because once we do, once we make the judgement that the one is good and upstanding and the other isn’t, we’ve done exactly what Jesus warns us of in the beginning: we’ve trusted in our own righteousness and regarded the other with contempt. And now where is our humility?

I see at least two reasons why this is worth listening to carefully. One is the warning to stop treating other people with contempt. We have enough of that in our culture these days, ‘the left’ this, ‘the right’ that, ‘those people’ all of it. We need to stop it, and have the humility to realize we aren’t judge and arbiter of anything, nor are we angels ourselves. But the other reason this parable is important is that while we’re busy judging others and giving ourselves a leg up in the pecking order, we’re completely ignoring the grace God has to offer us. There’s enough grace to cover both the tax collector and the Pharisee, in God’s eyes. Both of them are showered with blessings, but only one of them seems able to recognize that and be grateful. 

You might have heard that we’re in the midst of our fall stewardship campaign, called ‘Building on Our Blessings.’ We’ve just celebrated our 50th anniversary of worshiping in this church, and more than 50 years of worshiping in this place. There are generations of blessings that have led to us being here today, and we are all so blessed in our lives. We live in this beautiful place, we’re finding community here with this congregation, we have resources and privileges at our disposal. The fall campaign invites us to stop and be grateful for all that we have. Building on our blessings means that we name and know our blessings first of all. And then, recognizing all that we have, we can consider what we can give from this bounty to help, to build for the future, to share with the community around us.

Of course, the Pharisee in the story starts his prayer off with gratitude too. He is grateful – you could say he starts off well with that idea…but! ‘I thank you that I am not like other people’ isn’t really gratitude, is it? His gratitude somehow devolves into contempt for others because he forgets about the humility part. All his righteousness is in truth a sign of God’s work in his life, the blessings he has that allow him to share his wealth, to choose to fast. He has the gift of a lifestyle that allows him to practice extreme righteousness, you could say. But he’s forgotten the source of all of that – he’s forgotten that God is the giver of all gifts. Which is why the tax collector, miserable offender that he is, comes out justified in the end: he knows he needs God’s grace. He will use that blessing well.

Humility means that we recognize that we don’t merit anything on our own, but because of God’s grace. It prepares the way for us to be truly grateful. When you stop and look at your life through that lens, you realize that everything we have, even our very life, is a gift from God. There is so much to be thankful for. And what’s more, God gives everything to every other person as well, all of us beloved children. So who are we to look with contempt on other people?

You might have seen the poster or bumper sticker, “Please be patient – God isn’t finished with me yet.” It’s one we should mass-produce and distribute. Because humility is the starting place for realizing how much God loves us. The beginning of right relationship with God and our neighbor.

The implications are profound. Starting from a place of gratitude allows us to give more generously and freely – what I have isn’t mine alone, the accumulation of good things that I get sole credit for. What I have is a gift, in my hands to give back again, to let go of, all of it grace. And if everyone else is also receiving God’s grace, then maybe I can show them some grace too – whether they be someone I disagree with profoundly or my bosom friend, they also have a share in God’s gifts. It opens all kinds of possibilities. In our stewardship campaign – and in our community, and in the world we live in. Thanks be to God for God’s grace to us – grace that we can share, in abundance.